Belongingness

Have you ever had a feeling that you never wanted? that you never belong? Sometimes i have… A long time ago..

If i trace my own memory.. Maybe it gets me back to somewhere in High School.. Yeah..

Anyway, before i tell you about high school, i’ll start with my past personalities first..

I’m a tempramental boy. I’m a negative thinkier, always look on the bad side. I don’t like helping people because it’s such a pain in the ass. I don’t take risks, I always play it safe. I’m antisocial, I’d play with my video games rather than interacting with people. Sometimes when my friends come over to my house, I was pretend to sleep or away so i don’t have to deal with them. I want to spend my precious time only to level up and beat a game. I went to school only because my parents told me to. Sometimes I didn’t understand why should I go to school, chasing highest marks like everyone else. I hated prestige too. I felt like that I’m awful, disgust creature that no one will likes me. And I always think that I would get a girlfriend for the rest of my life. I’m faking myself so i can maintain my image from others perspective. The list of my negative traits are still going if you all readers like to know more of it.. It’ll take a day to define those crazy things I used to believe..

You know.. This was me when I was highschool too. Shit always happens because of this kind personality. I never wanted in any activities.. I’m always try to fit in, but i can’t.. that made me thinking. It was approximately when I’m about to end first term of 10th grade.. “What happened to me? Why am I not belong in everywhere I go? I want friends to share, too. What’s wrong with me?”, I think.

This question of being not belong in everywhere, made me real silent every single day. People knew my sudden change of act, but not much people would talk about it. I tried to find answers, but I wasn’t able to point my problems.. Well, it’s because I’m an egocentric. I didn’t reflect from myself. Instead, I percived that the societies doesn’t like me because I didn’t have any skills to show off. So in my (own) conclusion, I needed to learn some skills so I could be accepted.

I start my quest of learning some skills.. First, I was trying to become an expert guitar player. It attracts people and works like a charm. People like what i do. I got myself a friends. But, I didn’t worked really well.. It didn’t last long..

Then, I tried to become a comedian. It didn’t work at all. People was starting like ‘what the fuck is this kid doing? he’s just all show and his humor is really cheesy’. This is where my mental is stomped like hell. I always failed at making people laugh and as a result people making fun of me. Big time. -_-

Then I tried to become a magician.. But this time, I just really want to learn magic. I started search things via internet and I found a good book about how performance should be made.

The book was Memukau Audiensi Dengan Pengaruh dan Kharisma by Steven Cohen.

I read the book and I found out that I should enjoy what I do. I should boost myself for doing the best. The book quite change myself and my perception about things. I attended some trainings about self improvement and how to be grateful to life. The result were very, very skyrocketing. I was finally accepted for what I am.

From high school, I was sent by my mom to do internship at medan. I finally learned what’s important, and knew how did I get accepted by everyone.

I should be grateful for what I am, and for what’s been happened through my life. It’s all a part of learning rite? And eventually, we’ll learn what’s the most important thing for ourselves.. So, let’s just enjoy the flow of life..🙂

Posted on May 2, 2011, in Mind, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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